Thursday, August 26, 2004

Movie Review: Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

United States, 2000
U.S. Release Date: 12/12/2000
Running Time: 1:31
Rated: R (violence, gore, language, and brief nudity)
Cast: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Chip Heller, Marsha Clark, David Allen Brooks, Ray Cooney

Director: Michael Cooney
Screenplay: Michael Cooney
Studio: Unapix Home Entertainment

Posted by Hello
Just when I thought this film’s precursor (Jack Frost) was already horrid enough, along comes yet another attempt to make a “good” bad movie from creator Michael Cooney. Who would have ever imagined that a sequel to the already egregious original was even warranted? Who enjoyed the first Frost that much, to even have an interest in seeing a follow-up? Apparently, Cooney did; I suppose he thought that there were still untold portions of the repugnant storyline left to tell. Consequently, Cooney squatted, strained, and out came the reeking flatulent that is Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman.

After being buried in the ground for one year in several gallons of green anti-freeze, Jack Frost [Scott MacDonald (voice)] is found by a team of scientific researchers. This team of intellectual geniuses decides to perform a series of lab tests on the green genetic goop, but mid-research an accident occurs. A cold cup of coffee is knocked into the tank of anti-freeze—resulting in the return of the mutant murdering man made of snow. Jack heads to the Islands (he apparently is heat resistant now and won’t melt in the hot sun?!) where he will find his nemesis Sheriff Sam (Christopher Allport) and Sam’s wife Anne (Eileen Seeley). Sam and his wife are on vacation for the holidays taking part in their friends’ wedding. Still recovering from last year’s Christmas calamity, both Sam and Anne figured that they’d be safe in the tropics—away from both the snow and the haunting memories of Jack. Little do they know that Jack is hungry for more and headed to the Islands for one last chance to get even with the Sheriff, and this time Jack brought some friends along.

There really is no point in taking the time to mention any of the actors in particular or any of the scenes at all, because everything in this feature is truthfully equivalent to feces. All of the dialogue is hideously bad and all of the characters and their situations are absolutely unbearable. Even the film’s tagline, “He’s icin…he’s slicin”, is dreadfully worse than the original’s already putrid tagline of “He’s chillin…he’s killin”, and the overall feature is so annoying and intolerable that stomach ulcers are sure to result.

Everything about this movie, from its fruity incorporation of Captain Fun, to its awful ending, makes the abominable and his stupid Styrofoam snowball spawns unwatchable. Jack Frost 2 is one of those films where every copy (in every format) should just be thrown into a burning bonfire. That way, no human being will ever have to stomach this horribly bad horror ever again. The punishment of standing in the corner as a kid is far easier and more enjoyable than sitting through this sissy sludge as an adult.

On the upside, there is now a Christmas gift that Santa can give out worse than coal—Jack Frost 2 on DVD. This frosty folly will be forever frozen in time as one of the worst movies ever made. If my scale went into negative stars, this would undoubtedly be subzero material. (zero stars out of ****)

© Copyright Brandon Valentine 2004